Title: Holding Back the Storm
Author: Kiss (Darshann)
Spoilers: The Crossing
Summary: Immediately following the events of "The Crossing" at Kim's house.
Disclaimer: Don't own 'em... dangit... story - mine. Two women in love... don't like it..? GO AWAY.
Small note: these little tales I write about K/K seem to have a mind of their own... this stream of events happened all on its own without much input from me (other than the words used in its telling)... it wasn't my original intention to go this route, but in the end it went where I had been heading all along. So there you go - the Muse - Creativity - go figure.
Holding Back the Storm
The house is quiet all around me. Kerry's absense so palpable I shiver. She'll be home soon, I whisper in the recesses of my mind. She'll be home soon. A smile shimmers across my lips as I picture her own smile when I handed her my keys. The warm ripple it had sent through my body. Right there in the middle of all that pain and death, we were alone together just for that moment.
The drawer sticks as I pull at the knob. "Dammit." I hit the side of the ancient wood dresser and it slides free.
What to wear, what to wear. My hands trail through silk, satin and cotton; feeling the soft fabrics slip through my fingers. My thoughts spin back to Kerry, her fingers reaching for me through the clothing. Can I go without her in my head for more than thirty seconds?
"No." I mumble to myself. I sigh and rest my head on my forearm as I lean against the dresser. I am so gone. She's gonna break your heart, you know... I know. ... Why do you do this to yourself? A tidal wave of emotion for Kerry crashes around my shoulders. The power and warmth of it surrounding me in nothing but joy and ecstasy. The Universe cradles me in its huge expanse of love, melting down into her arms around me in the night.
Tears drip down my nose and fall to the carpet, bringing me back to this room. I brush tham away and shut the drawer. Nothing good enough to wear. Fine, I'll wear nothing, I grin to myself and glance at the clock.
When will she be home? ... She'll be home soon.
No....... Wake me.
Well you have to be asleep for that, Kim.
I switch the light off and pull off my clothes, throwing them in the hamper. My feet fumble through the darkness across the well known path to my bed. Lightly touching the edge with my knee, I reach out to pull up the covers and slip into the bed. Cool sheets against my bare skin, I sink down into the pillow. The silence of the room is deafening...
What am I going to do? I'm so deep, I could drown. Is she?... She was happy when you gave her the keys. ... True. Maybe she feels it too? Sigh. I hope so. If she doesn't...
My mind rebels at the very thought, as if touching the edges of a black hole in space, the nothingness endless and terrifying. My stomach clenches and I hug the pillow tightly to my side under my chin, imagining Kerry in its place.
Her red hair soft under my lips... her nose at my throat... her soft warm breath against my skin... her body snug against my own. Heart beating into heart. We fit so well.
I close my eyes and feel her. The room filling with the glow of Kerry, forcing out the ghost of fear. That's better. The imagined Kerry's arms hold me tight around the middle. Her legs intertwining with my own. Her breath slowing to an even rhythm, matching mine. Darkness folds in around us, tucking in our precious forms. I love you... I whisper into the pillow... and the world gently fades away.
Kerry's hand wraps around mine and she pulls me forward laughing. The sun is high above us, mountains all around. Where are we? Kerry turns back to me, eyes flashing. Don't worry I know the way. She's pulling me up the side of the mountain, her strong leg muscles moving under her skin as the climbs ahead of me. But I don't know where we are, Kerry. I do.. I do. Her arm snakes around my waist and pulls me up the rest of the way, lifting me like a child. I relax into her arms, letting her cradle me to her breast as we move higher. She's so beautiful. My heart fluttering against my chest, I feel her jerk to a stop. Her eyes turn to meet my gaze. Filling me and surrounding me to the brim. So intense, I have to look away, my eyes shutting. But then I want to see her again and turn back... but there is no one there. No one. And I'm falling down into the black hole, sucking me into the pit of despair, and spitting me out into nothingness.... A sob escapes my lips, soundless in the vacuum of space. My legs kick helpless in the blackness. Kerry! Where are you!? Kerry! Please, don't leave me...Pleeeease. .... No! Nooooooooo!
Arms wrap around me in the darkness and hold me tight.
Kim... Kim.... It's ok, Kim.
I turn into the voice, into her smooth warmth, reaching for her.
I press against the reality of her naked body, my heart speeding. The dream quickly fading. The fear still clinging. My arms pull her closer and I wrap her around me. Holding me without question, she is silent for a while. Her fingers of one hand tangled in my hair, the other stroking the bare skin of my back. The dream still spirals through my mind. Just a dream. Just a dream. She's here now. You're safe. It's ok. Ok.
"Bad dream?" She whispers tentatively. I can hear the concern in her voice, the gentle nudging of my boundaries asking me to share. My stomach flutters, suddenly feeling the chasm beneath my feet. I whimper into her throat, tears leaking out onto her skin. Her arms tighten, letting me wash my soul in her river. "Its ok. Shhhh. It's ok." Her lips press against my forehead and then her head rests against mine.
Slowly the tears subside, our breathing the only sound in the room. I don't want to move, don't want to talk, I just want to stay here. Stay here. Her hand brushing across my cheek, moving my hair out of the way. Down my neck, gently brushing a trail all the way to the curve of my shoulder. Then returning to my head, stroking my hair softly.
"You ok?" The worry still evident in her voice, but resigned to my silence. I nod into her neck. Silence again as she wonders if she should push or let it go. I half wish for her to drag the nightmare out into the open. Wish for the opening to share my darkest fear so she can vanquish the monster sitting here inside my head.
"Do you... do you want to talk about it?"
The monster shakes my head and I feel her sigh against me. Don't give up... please, don't give up.
The monster and my own trembling soul struggle inside my head until I finally push "No" between my lips.
Her arms loosen around me and she shifts so we can look at each other. Her face dim in the darkness, I still feel her eyes on me. Those eyes I can never hide from. I look away.
"You don't have to, if you don't want to."
The monster pulls me back into my cage of silence. Too afraid to tell her. Too afraid of the empty promises, the false blanket of safety in their wake.... But maybe she'll mean them... Maybe. Maybe not... How can you tell?.. You can't... Even if she did, it still doesn't mean she'd keep them... Assuming she even made those promises. Yes. Assuming... Better to sweep this under the carpet. It will come when it comes. She's here now. Here.
I look up at her eyes. "I'm just glad you're home."
She smiles and I watch it break into her eyes piece by piece, covering me with the familiar warmth I've come accustomed to in her gaze. God, I love her. My Sun, my Moon, my deep blue sky... Kerry.
"Me too." She leans in to kiss me softly. "I missed you." She murmurs against my lips, laughing gently deep in her throat. I hug her tighter then I should and she hugs me back.
"Yeah?" I know what's coming.
"Are you sure you're ok?"
Sigh. No. Yes. No. "I don't know."
She moves back from me and places both hands on either side of my face. "Please, talk to me."
Panic. "I don't know what to say."
"Then just tell me what you're feeling."
I stare down into the dark space between us. "I... I'm...." I gulp for air, tears stinging my eyes and I squeeze them shut, pushing out all the air in my lungs and then inhaling deeply. Then before I can think, I blurt out. "I'm scared."
Silence. Oh Shit. Why did I just say? Oh, God... here we go. Spoken word made flesh and blood.
"Scared of what?" Her gentle stroking has stopped. I feel her tensing against me. She feels it coming too.
I look at her. "Us..." She stares at me frozen. The thoughts plain on her face. Surprised the words are coming form me and not herself.
Then she comes to life. "Did I do something...? Did I..?"
I shake my head. "No." She waits, expecting more. Fear filling her features. Dammit, I knew I should have just kept this to myself. Her eyes moisten as she silently pleads with me to end this tug of war. How can I ever deny her anything. "I feel like I'm in a dream...." She watches me silently. "... and its Heaven every moment.... " She smiles. "... but..." my voice catches. I push through it "... I know its going to end, Kerry..." I look away from her shattered eyes. "nothing this wonderful lasts forever..."
"Kim..." Her voice tries to drag me back, but I rip myself away.
"Don't make me promises you can't keep!" I suddenly burn all over with the rage of a dozen broken hearts from years long past. My walls crawling up around me, shutting her out, I sit up in the bed.
"I wasn't going to..." Her voice dejected. Cold and distant now, wrenching my heart, and I know I've wounded the one I love. "I was just going to say..." she pauses, collecting her energy. How could I lay all this on her in the middle of the night after such a long day? She lets out a long sigh. "Kim, when this started, I... I didn't even know if I wanted to... to kiss you.... Now... I... I can't imagine being without you."
She rises up to a seated position, face turned toward me. I stare silently down at my lap. She brushes my shoulder with her fingers and then lets them fall to the blanket. "I....." the evident tears in her voice cause me to look at her as she continues. "I'm scared too."
She looks up at that moment and our eyes lock. Lost. Lost in each other. I wish I had the power to stop time sometimes. Let us linger in the safety of a moment like this one. The fear slipping into the night, vanquished by her admission. Fight fire with fire... Our love circling around us and resting in the silence.
I smile softly and look down at her hands folded in her lap. Slowly I reach for one. Our fingers finding each other in the dip of the sheets, slipping together as they have a million times. Squeezing our silent reassurances.
"Is that what the dream was about?" She asks, already certain.
I nod and lift her hand to my lips kissing her palm softly, then rest it against my cheek for a moment. "I'm sorry I snapped at you earlier." I bring our hands down into my lap, my thumb caressing her hand.
"Mmmm, I'll let it go this time."
I laugh and she does too. I gaze at her again, smiles on both our faces. "Bet you're sorry you woke me up."
She shakes her head, her eyes sincere. "No. Never." The look of love on her face is so deep I'm overcome.
I reach for her, pulling her to me as I settle back into the bed. She sighs against me as I tuck her to my side, under my chin. Her red hair soft under my lips... her nose at my throat... her soft warm breath against my skin... her body snug against my own. Heart beating into heart. We fit so well.
I close my eyes and feel her. The room filling with the glow of Kerry, forcing out the ghost of fear. Kerry's arms hold me tight around the middle. Her legs intertwining with my own. Her breath slowing to an even rhythm, matching mine. Darkness folds in around us, tucking in our precious forms.
"I love you." I whisper into her hair.
Snuggling into me, she whispers into my throat, "I love you too."
... and the world gently fades away.
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