Title: Silver Lining
Author: Darshann (Kiss)
Spoilers: Surrender - the last scene (won't make much sense without seeing it)
Song Lyrics by Amanda Ghost - Silver Lining
Rating - PG
Disclaimer: the characters and story don't belong to me... but this prose poem does.
Thanks ER and NBC for such a beautiful scene.
I make my way to the sliding doors, her small face still clear in my mind. I glance back once more, to hold her motionless for a moment. Remember this, Kerry.
The hospital sounds and colors shift in and out, swirling in the background as I gaze into the girl's dark eyes. If only I hadn't called them... Because of me. Because of my rules a child is orphaned... Her world. Forever changed.
Drawn to the violence of change
I step out into the snow. The pit of my stomach, burning with anger and shame. Who am I to have ripped this child from her life? Always by the book, Kerry. Never by your heart. Why can't you ever follow your heart?
I'm so sorry.
Charmed by the sentimental brave
The drive home is filled with silent walls climbing up around my heart. Trying not to hear the screaming. Trying not to see those eyes follow me. I reach home and open the car door, hitting my knee as I exit. The pain is welcome, but not enough ... not enough.
I hear the door slam
A familiar rage sears my soul as I make my way across to the steps, dulling out the world.
I look the other way
I pull myself bodily up up the stairs. Into the empty arms of my empty house and my empty life. I hate this.
I hate the small talk and the empty days
At my door I fumble for my keys... to ... to what? Dammit... tears well up unbidden and I lean up against the wall to fend them off. So tired. So tired of all this... I didn't mean to! I didn't mean for all this! Oh God, I can't, I can't... all I want is ...
My heart seems to stop. She shimmers acoss my vision, a calm to the raging storm. I take in a cool breath of air.
A tremor runs through me as I recall her touch.
Her smile this morning. Her arms last night. A gentle warmth washes over me.
I bathe in your light
I turn and walk down the steps again, hesitating at the bottom as I gaze down the street. Am I crazy? I should call her...I can't just show up on her doorstep... Stop. Stop following the book, Kerry, follow your heart... isn't this what you want?
I'll always believe in your place in my life
I turn and make my way down the frozen sidewalk. Each step feeling like a mile, a delicious, precious, beautiful mile closer to her.
Up the frozen stairway to the El. With each aching step I feel exhilarated. A women with a mission, powerful and strong. This is right.. I can feel it... this is where I need to go. This is right.
I know that I'm right
I step up to the platform. Victorious. I can do this. I don't have to be miserable. I don't have to suffer. I can be happy. I will be happy. I deserve this... I deserve her...
I'll always believe in your right to shine.
... don't I?
The El arrives sweeping paper into the air, rushing through the station like the hot blood rushing through my veins, and then I step aboard.
Finally seated, fear sets in with a vengeance. I'm running into the arms of my lesbian lover. Lesbian. I'm changing everything. What will people think? What will they say?
Scared of the things people say
I gaze out the window at the world whipping past.... I'm doing it anyway.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Reaching her street I feel the end near, but a cold weight pulls at me. What if I can't take it? What if this breaks my heart.. what if I break hers? Oh God, what am I getting into?
Knowing my confidence might fail
Well, Kerry, here you are...too late...
I look up at the steps to her door. I've never let anyone in before. Strong, Kerry. Deep breath... don't be a coward. Never let them see you cry...
I pull myself up her steps. The last of my strength, the last of my courage surging through me, feeling ready to collapse.
I feel the world's weight upon my breaking back
My heart hammering against my chest, I step up to the door and knock... what if she isn't home? What if I'm wrong? What if she isn't happy to see me? Oh God... here she comes... oh God I can't breath...
I see uncertainty and a visible crack
She smiles through the glass, breathing life into my lungs. So beautiful. So precious. Oh Kim.
She opens the door. Her eyes touch mine.
My throat tightens and the world shifts as emotions flood through me. Tears fill my eyes, but I don't care.
This was right... following my heart. Can this be happening? This blazing wonder loving me. So intense, so wonderful, I can't move. Should I say something? No, she knows.
Smiling she holds out her hand. My heart flutters and I dip my head.
I bathe in your light
I grip her warm fingers and step forward into the safety of her presence. The safety of her life. Knowing, as her hand grips my waist and grazes my shoulder - for the first time... I am finally... home.
I'll always believe in your place in my life....
fade to black
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