Disclaimer: Xena and Gabrielle belong to Renpics, no infringement intended. The rest of this story and idea belong to me. If romantic love btw two consenting women offends you, read something else. No graphic sex. Setting: Following 'Anthony and Cleopatra', on there way back home - from Gab's eyes. Traces of Warmth by Darshann (XluvsG) The warmth of the fire dances at the small of my back, whispering of something almost forgotten. Staring out at the world spread before me, the barren desert of Egypt stares back. Xena breathes softly behind me in her sleep. Occasionally she lets out a frantic gasp. The deep ingrained instinct to go to her wells up inside, but I sit still. Feeling worse than despair creep up my spine. I miss her. I never knew you could miss someone who is never more than a few feet away. Tears sting in my eyes and my throat feels thick. Something between us is broken and I have no idea what that something might be. Only on this trip, with Eve at home, has our distance become glaringly evident. I think deep down, I was sure some time alone would be all we needed. After all parenthood is a pretty big job no matter whom the parents. Who am I kidding? Eve has only one parent. Stop it, Gabrielle. She's just worried about the gods. That's all. That's all it is... The image of Xena kissing Antony looms large in my mind and a sob catches in my throat. Sure, Xena assured me over and over that it was just the plan, nothing real... but I can't stop seeing her standing in the moonlight, back to me. Telling me my fears had been right. So beautiful. So far away. "Gabrielle?" A sleep encrusted voice rolls out of the night and hits me hard. I shiver, startled out of my dark thoughts. "Yeah?" I steel myself to meet the inevitable question. My stomach clenching against it's empty walls. "Can't sleep?" I hear her rise up on her elbow, her eyes boring holes into my back, so much hotter than the fire crackling between us. "I was just thinking. Go back to sleep." That came out a little too crisp. Damn. Nothing. Silence. My blood pumps wildly in my ears and I suddenly feel faint. She hasn't moved yet, but she is waiting. Waiting for me to say more. But I can't. I can't ask the questions burning a hole into my heart. I don't think I could survive the answers. The moment stretches for so long, I begin to think she must have slid back into her bedroll without my hearing. I long to turn and glance at her. To see her beauty caressed by the blue dark of the night. But instead, I continue to stare out into the nothingness. "Gabrielle." Her throaty voice startles me so much, I jump. "What?" Gods how did we get to this place where we can no longer talk to each other? I feel her rather than hear her come up behind me, the gentle tightness in my chest answering the electric current between us. "Tell me what is wrong." The knowing frankness of her command is so unexpected I look up into her face in surprise. Her sharp blue eyes pierce into me, filled with eons of pain. Xena. The dam breaks somewhere inside and I find myself sobbing. Her arms circle me and pull me into the warmth I have so long missed. For a moment the sobs deepen as relief washes over me. The unspoken connection is still there in spite of the distance. Then I reach bottom and the tears stop. I float in the comfort of her. Her heart pounding against my cheek. "Gabrielle." "I miss you." The words leave my mouth in a squeak before I can examine them for faults. But they are right and true. Now the cards will fall where they may. My breath catches as I wait for a response. "I miss you too." I take in a breath, immediately aware that I have been holding it in for a very long time. Her gravely voice whispers over my head into the darkness. "So much has changed." I squeeze my eyes shut. She doesn't love me anymore. Oh gods! I feel the ground slipping out from under me and my grip on her tightens as the panic seeps into my bones. My voice shaking, I whisper, "What do you mean?" "What do I mean?" She laughs and pulls back from me trying to peer at my face. I refuse to meet her eyes, sure of what I will find missing. But Xena will have none of that and tugs my chin up, forcing eye contact. She is smiling, which sends a shiver through my gut. Not knowing what it means. Believing she no longer cares. Slowly her eyes dull and fill with tears, the edges of her lips turn down. "Oh, Gabrielle. Look at us. We are barely an echo of the people we were four years ago. You have grown up. You've become a whole new person as I have been watching. So strong and sure..." "No. Just strong. Not sure. Xena, I'm not sure of anything, beyond..." I turn my head away as the emotion slams into me. Too much, I can't take this... I slip out of her arms and stand up. My back to her, I wrap my arms around my torso, shivering from the loss of warmth. "I've lost my way and I don't know how to go home again. I just know I can't lose you, but I am..." I take a deep breath. "I am, aren't I?" Xena is silent for a moment. "You don't need me anymore. You used to need me to keep you safe... and then while I was pregnant... I couldn't even do that. And now that I can again... So much has changed. You don't need me anymore. Maybe it is time for you to..." A fire ignites in my chest and I suddenly see red. How many times do I have to tell her this?! I whirl around. "Xena, I DO need you. I will always need you! And don't you dare tell me to leave you..! Unless." The angry red balloon deflates as I finally come up against the core of my fear. I feel the pit of my stomach grow cold and I stare at the ground. Knowing what I am about to say. Wanting to run before I hear the answer. "Xena, do you still l...? With Antony you..." Xena clips off my words. "I told you I had no real feelings for him." Anger. So tired of not knowing. Being so afraid. "I saw your face, I know you. Don't lie to me. Not about this." I find myself looking into her searing blue eyes, searching for something. Screaming inside that the world is about to crash in around me. "I... I was attracted to him." She pauses, searching my face for a reaction. But my face is closed to her. A solid mask, learned from the best. She turns her eyes away, peering into the fire and then sighs deeply. "It has been so long since I felt like someone w... We haven't... the way he looked at me. It was like..." Through the sea of nausea, it suddenly clicks. "Like when we first fell in love." "Yes. He made me feel sexy and amazing all over again." Her eyes turn back to look at me. Worried. Concerned. Guilty. "But, it wasn't. I mean, it just reminded me of what we..." Oh. Oh, gods. I kneel down in front of her so that our eyes are level. "Don't I make you feel that way?" "Gabrielle, when was the last time we made love? When was the last time we had a moment alone?" I frantically cast back into my memory and find it murky. Filled with jumbled bits of fighting and running and desperately worrying about the safety of Xena and then Eve. Feverishly working to fill her rather large boots. "I.. I..." "Ever since Eve, even before that... We were always running and hiding from the gods along with everyone else. And I was getting bigger with each day. You were so determined to protect me. I didn't know what to do. I saw you turning into exactly what you had most avoided. But I couldn't turn you back. You were so focused on becoming the protector... I felt so out of place. So useless to you." She stares down at her hands. Oh Xena. How did I miss this? "I need you for so much more than protection. Don't you know that? I need you to love me, to talk with, to be my best friend. I wanted to touch you so much, but you seemed like you didn't want me near you. I thought I had done something. That you had fallen out of..." Her head jerks up, her eyes flashing. "No! Never." She reaches out her hand and grabs mine in hers, pulling me closer. "It was me. Things changed so fast. I was so scared, I still am scared about being a mother." "Xena, why didn't you tell me all of this? Why did you shut me out? We have always been able to talk." "You have changed, Gabrielle. We both have changed. While I was pregnant, YOU were the warrior. You became silent and serious...engrossed in your new role. Quick to anger, just like I had been. Wearing this mask, the brave face... and I... Gabrielle, it has always been you who felt things, always you who would sense something was wrong or we needed to talk." "And then I didn't because I was too busy being the warrior. And you didn't know how to play my part any better than I knew how to play yours." "Yes. We lost our natural balance." "Well then, we must get it back. Or maybe we just need to work on balancing from this new place." I smile. And I feel it splitting my face with an intensity I haven't felt in a very long time. Xena's eyes catch the spark and it quickly passes to her lips as they open into my smile's reflection. A tenderness fills me and the fear fades away. "Thank you for making me talk to you. I'm sorry I didn't talk to you sooner. I was scared too. Scared, you didn't love me anymore." Her fingers lace through my short hair. Her palm gently stroking my cheek, a deepness filling her eyes. "I will always love you, Gabrielle." "I will always love you, too." I dive into her arms, feeling her warmth wrap around my body. The softness enveloping me like a blanket as I tuck my head under her chin. Motionless, we hold each other. Perfect, so perfect. After what may have been hours or mere minutes, I look up at her face shocked all over again by her beauty. Electric excitement traveling across my skin in waves of heat. "You are so ... beautiful, Xena." She dips her head and looks down at me, a cat like smile spreading across her face. "Thank you." She purrs. No need for her to echo the compliment back, it is written in her eyes as they drench me in fire. For a few breathless moments, we don't move, simply drinking in the essence of each other. And then her face comes closer and I smell the sweet spicy blend that is Xena. Her lips touch mine, feeding the flames underneath my skin. So long ... it has been so long. I push forward into her mouth. Feeling the sensual softness and devouring the salty, sweet taste. The world fades away and all there is is this touch. Two bodies moving as one. Uncovering long hidden traces of warmth and building them into an inferno. And in the midst of the passion, I know I have finally found my way home. Feedback to: kissmescully@aol.com (mention title)